i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
