So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
