I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize