I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
