I wish I could teleport
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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