i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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