So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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