So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
