nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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