dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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