Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
