Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
