You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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