Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
