He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
