I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
