I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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