There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
