Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
NoShamevember. You game?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
