i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
