I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
