You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My bed smells like the plague
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
