Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
