your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
