She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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