I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
