Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
