I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
