Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
