You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
