i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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