Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
