i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
