when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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