yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Randomize
