she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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