my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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