god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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