Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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