not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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