Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
