There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
