If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
