Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
