for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize