a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
