Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
