i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
