Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
