I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
