Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
