I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
