I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
