I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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