I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
