I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
