im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
