afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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