Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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