At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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