I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
