Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
