I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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