Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
