i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Actions speak louder than pants.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
